WINSTON-SALEM, NC — If you felt a rumble this morning, we may have found the cause. Tuesday morning at approximately 7:15AM, the UNCSA cafeteria shredded through the earth’s atmosphere, propelling itself deep into outer-space. Nobody is sure why it took off or where its destination is, but NASA is closely tracking its path.
One student on their way to breakfast reported, “I get breakfast here every morning, and to be honest, I’m not really surprised.” The student added, “I mean… The people who work there were a dead give away if you think about it. They were like the mail room workers in Men In Black II.”
The surrounding edges of the Hanes Student Commons building were completely vaporized as well as cars parked in the immediate fall-out zone surrounding the launch pad. The only substances left in the rubble were some charred cell power batteries and reactant chemicals as well as an unscathed crate of French Toast sticks.
Upon hearing the news, NASA Chief Mission Specialist Dale Lesser commented, “In order for a vehicle of that shape and weight to have launched into space, let alone orbit, it had to have been going up to an astonishing 35,000 miles per hour with over 22 million pounds of thrust. We’re talking technology far outside of our grasp.” He then added, “Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit.”
UNCSA School officials have put out a notice stating that, “Until the Dining Hall descends back to earth crashing into the Indian Ocean, is then towed back to the shore of Southern California for refurbishing and cleansing of deorbit burn marks, is then driven across country back to campus for reinstallation, everybody lives off Krispy Kreme.”