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WINSTON-SALEM, NC– With only one dryer left on the UNCSA campus, school officials have announced that this Friday will be the first official ‘Murder Everybody For a Dryer Day.’ During this event, The last dryer will be placed on top of the hill behind the Elephants. At this point all of the school’s emergency sirens will sound, signaling the students to rush the field from their respective dorms and slaughter each other in a bloody free-for-all to the death. The last student who remains standing wins the right to use the dryer for the rest of the day.

“I’m terrified,” one student said, “I’m considering just dropping out… I don’t really think I’ll win.”

Another student said that they’re looking forward to their years of LARP finally paying off.

The only rule to the event is that the students must use melee style of fighting. School officials have sent out an email encouraging students to sharpen their battle axes, finish smithing their armor and practice their rapier lunges. Forming legions, clans, and alliances is permitted, but once all foes have been slain, they must take each other’s lives. Anybody seen with ranging weapons or any throwing of the sort will be picked off by the faculty members on the roofs of the buildings equipped with cross bows.

“This is the nature of our school.” One faculty member said. “We’re all in the business of taking risks. If you aren’t mentally and physically equipped to put your life on the line, you’re at the wrong school.”

Why a fight to death, you might ask? The school felt that each department would bring a distinct skill to even the playing field. One UNCSA Board Member reported, “The Drama students are trained to use the weapons, the Design and Production students are trained to craft the best weapons, the Dance students will have the best tactical movement, the Music students will grasp the rhythm of peoples’ fighting styles, and, well, the Film students will look good being slain.”

If you’re still alive on Saturday, be sure to attend the campus-sponsored bon fire.

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