WINSTON-SALEM, NC– With speeding and reckless driving citations on the rise, campus police have been forced to innovate a new method of cracking down on drivers. Their solution: speed humps.
“If they go fast, it’ll get all humpy.” Said an officer.
In addition to making the road entirely speed humps, the speed limit is being changed from 6mph to 4.79mph. The school felt that the current speed limit wasn’t arbitrary enough and needed to be indisputably random. “We wanted it to be measured in a value that you couldn’t be aware of even if you wanted to.”
One student angrily responded to the change, “All the humps are banging my car. I can’t keep humping my car every time I want to go somewhere. Especially if I’m trying to go out on a date or something. Nothing kills the mood like me humping my car for a stretch of 80-100 feet.” The student said that they can’t afford to knock up their car again, and that while it is a pain, they’ll probably start using the back entrance regularly.